I have three children. As they get older, I think more often about what I can actually give them as a father. Not materially, and not as a set of correct answers for every situation. There are things I would rather show them by the way I live.
What I Want My Children to See in the Way I Live
I have three children. They are different ages, with their own personalities, interests and ideas about life.
The older my children get, the more I think about what I can actually give them as a father
I do not mean money or things. And I do not mean having the right advice for every situation.
You can give children plenty of advice. I heard a lot from adults when I was a child too, but I only understood some of it much later.
That is why I think children still pay more attention to how we actually live.
I do not want them to simply repeat my life. Each of them will have their own.
A lot has changed in our family over the past few years
We moved from Ukraine to Norway.
Before that, my life was familiar. I knew the language, the people and how to deal with most ordinary situations. I had experience in different areas, my habits and my usual rhythm.
After the move, many ordinary things became new again.
Sometimes even a simple question took more effort because I did not fully understand the language or know how things worked here.
I asked. I translated. Sometimes I did not understand the first time. Sometimes I got something wrong and had to figure it out again.
My children saw all of that.
And I actually like that they saw me that way.
Not as someone who always knows the answer.
But as someone who can admit he does not know something and keep figuring it out.
They will probably find themselves in new situations too, without a ready answer.
And then they will have to decide what to do next.
Some things are easy to tell your children and much harder to do yourself
Taking care of your health is one example.
It is easy to say that while spending years doing something that clearly does not help your health.
I smoked for many years.
And for many years I knew I wanted to quit.
There was always a reason to put it off.
Not now. A little later. I need to deal with other things first.
Eventually, I quit.
Not because I wanted to prove anything to anyone.
I simply thought: if I have been telling myself for years that I want this to change, I need to actually try.
These days I also pay more attention to food, movement, sleep and how I feel. Some things go better than others.
I have not suddenly become someone who does everything right.
But I like that my children see more than me talking about health.
They have also seen me change a habit I had for many years.
I am okay with being new at something
Once you have experience in a few areas, it is easy to stay where everything already feels familiar.
It is simpler and more comfortable.
But the last few years have brought a lot of new things into my life.
A new country. A new language. Different people. New areas I am working in. Things that were never part of my plans before.
And I do not feel confident in all of them straight away.
Sometimes I have to learn. Sometimes I have to do something I have never done before. Sometimes it does not work the first time.
I take that more calmly now.
If I want to learn something, for a while I will obviously do it worse than someone who has been doing it for years.
That is fine.
I would like my children not to be afraid of being beginners either.
You do not have to know how to do everything from day one.
I can change my mind
This is another thing I have started to see differently over time.
Not every decision you once made has to follow you for the rest of your life.
A few years later, you may look at the same situation and realise that you think differently now.
You can change direction.
You can stop doing something that no longer fits.
You can start something else.
I used to think that once you made a decision, you had to stick with it until the end.
I do not see it that way now.
Sometimes it is better to admit in time: this no longer works for me.
And move on.
I do not want my children to copy my life
This is probably one of the most important parts for me.
I do not want my children to choose something only because I chose it.
I do not want them to choose the same work, the same interests or make the same decisions just because I did.
If one of them ever says, "I did it because Dad did it that way," I am not sure I would like that.
I would rather they understand what they want for themselves.
Their lives may look completely different from mine.
Maybe one of them will stay in Norway. Maybe someone will move to another country. Maybe they will choose work or interests I cannot even imagine today.
That will be their life.
I do not want to hand them a ready-made script.
Not my advice. What they actually saw
That our whole family moved to another country and had to start many things again.
That I did not always know what to do, but I kept figuring things out.
That you can have a habit for many years and still change it.
That you can start something new without being good at it on the first day.
That you can change an old decision.
That something not working out does not automatically mean you should give up.
That hearing "no" is normal. Sometimes "no" does not mean "never". It simply means "not now".
And that in the end, they will have to build their own life.
I do not know what they will actually take from our family life.
Maybe something completely different from what I am thinking about now.
But if one day they face a difficult decision, I hope they do not think it is too late to change something or that they have to hold on to the familiar option just because it is familiar.
They have already seen at home that life can change a lot.
And that after that, you keep living, try new things and make new decisions.